(The original beginning is shown, but guitar music plays and a different voice announcer comes on.)
New Narrator: What are these people running from? They're not! They're running TO the world's toughest reality sports competition in town. It's the classic battle of Transformer ripoff vs. lame villain ripoff, also known as Guardians versus Renegades! It's now time for MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! And now here's our superhero duo of copyright infringement... Kenny Blankenship and Vic Ramano!
(Shots of two guys in Kimonos and strange headpieces/wigs surrounded by smiling Japanese men in bright blue jumpsuits, as well as their giant samurai mascot Skanky.)
Vic Ramano: Hello Kenny....we have a great show today.
Kenny Blankenship: Yeah Vic....it's the evil characters from Gobots taking on their nemeses the Guardians. How did we get in the middle of this?
Vic: Kenny; that is a good question: too bad you were there when it happened! (Vic hits Kenny on his head with his fan.) Come on Kenny! Remember when we kidnapped Jeff Probst and held him hostage in the Port-a-Potty at the Game Show Host's Convention? And how he got back at us by selling our Contracts to Spike TV?
Ken: (Nodding like crazy, gesturing to the large samurai a few feet from him.) Oh yeah! Then Skanky ripped him a new one in the three-legged man race-
Vic: That's "cause Skanky has his OWN third leg. (Polite laughter around him.)
Kenny: So what does that have to do with today?
Vic: (Hitting Kenny on the head with a fan again) We're taking over "Survivor' today, that's what! On to Guy La Douche!
(Shots of man in a safari outfit, giggling into a microphone.)
Guy: Guy La Douche here, reporting on all the robot lot that's hot to trot! HoHoHoHoHo! Today they battle in such games as Sinkers and Floaters, the stickiness that is Window Pain, a rolling good time at Boulder Dash, and everyone's favorite, the Log Drop! Oh ho, I cannot wait to see heavy metal action with these bots! Go ahead, Captain Tenneal!
Captain Tenneal: (In woods with VERY confused Transformers.) How many of you think you are on "Survivor?' Show of hands. (All raise hands.) Well, you're WRONG! You ticked off Jeff Probst and now you are about to be edited like you've never been edited before! How does that make you feel? (Gives mic to Megatron.)
Megatron: (In a voice that is nowhere near his, lips not matching the words.) It makes me all hard!
Captain: All of you is hard, you stupid robot! (Gets into position, waves his stick) LET'S GO!
(Shots of confused participants running. Sinkers & Floaters, as shown on the Ken-o-tron: There are a set of twelve stone platforms randomly arranged across the pond. Some of the rocks sink when they are stepped on, some don't. You win by successfully crossing the pond and you lose when you fall into the water.)
Motormaster: (Not in his voice.) This one's for the kids!
Vic: Here is our first player for the Renegades: this is Road Ranger, he collects road kill to make into children's coats for the Salvation Army. (Motormaster slips on the first rock and lands covered in mud.) And he IS road kill before he even took a step out of the gate! (MAACO Collision Repair & Auto Painting Instant Replay shows it again in slow motion.) Our second Renegade is Dart, who leads NA meetings at the Crystal Methodist Church-wow! (Rumble makes it across while Vic is talking.) The Renegades now have a point up on the board!
Kenny: Now following suit is Guardian Scooter, the world's most obnoxious clown. When interviewed earlier, he was quoted as saying "Don't fuss, never cuss!" causing Guy La Douche to immediately punch him in the face.
Vic: He DID!? (Wheelie makes it across, barely. Guy is on the other side and hits him again.) Go Guy! Although he's just been fisted by Guy, the point counts and the score is tied, and the last one up is...(Mirage hesitates, giving Kenny and Vic time to trash talk him.) Street Heat, a Guardian with a side job on the Vice Squad for LAPD.
Kenny: What kind of Vice?
Vic: Ad-vice, Kenny. He stops kids from riding their bikes at night without reflective tape and light colors.
Kenny: That's bad! Now they know!
Vic: And knowing is half the battle. Whoa! He almost had it! (Mirage made it to the last one before it sank underneath him, causing him to fall.) Reflective tape won't save him now! The score is tied, 1-1!
Narrator: Coming up next: Pain! PAIN! And more PAIN!
(Commercial Break. BUY A SATURN! BUY LIFE INSURANCE! BUY GIRLS GONE WILD: TRIP TO KENNEBUNKPORT! Long for the days when Colby slept in an Aztec with his mom!)
Narrator: And now we're back with the good versus fun! (Back in the studio.)
Vic: Boy, this sure is different than our show. Not at all alike, huh?
Kenny: (Shaking his head sadly.) Guess not.
Vic: What's wrong Kenny?
Kenny: Where are all the babes, Vic? This is a sausage fest!
Vic: (Hits Kenny with fan.) Kenny! Robots don't HAVE sausages!
Kenny: That's not what The Iron Chef told me!
Vic: Anyway, onto the next challenge: Window Pain! (The competitor stands on a platform, wearing padding that Velcro can attach to. He/she takes a rope, swings across the pond, and tries to stick onto the huge Velcro backboard for the point. You lose if you fall into the pond right away due to a bad grip on the rope, or if you smack into the backboard or the lower padding near the pond and fail to stick.) First up, we have Fitor, a Renegade plane who's a big game taunter in Africa.
Kenny: Oh, he's shames lions out into the open with foul language!
Vic: Right Ken! (Starscream takes off wrong and lands in the mud with barely a splash. You can see Megatron yelling at him from the platform. Captain Tenneal tries to push him in using the contestants behind him, but Megatron sidesteps them and Mishap takes a tumble.) Girl goes down on Captain Tenneal! Nice! There's your chick, Kenny. (Kenny snorts.) Number one in command, but Number Two to everyone else is Cy-Kill, a dentist from Climax, Michigan-
Kenny: Actually he WORKS in that city and commutes. He's not far.
Vic: Not far from Climax? Kenny! (Shows Megatron swaying from the rope, hitting the top of the window dead on, failing to stick, and falling, back first, into the mud.) Cy-Kill is outta here!
Guy: (Interviewing a giggling Mishap) So you lost your turn because of that other guy?
Mishap (Looking mad, not her real voice) I don't know where he gets off, thinking he can do that! I'm dripping wet!
Guy: If that's the case, let me help! (He reaches for her).
Mishap: No! Stay away from my lady-berries! Hee hee!
(Dubbed-in giggling as Guy tries to grope her.)
(Flashes to next contestant, Ironhide.)
Vic: Up for the Guardians we have Res-Q! (Ironhide yells "I'm not Ratchet!" but it's dubbed in "I love manjuice!") And it's a good thing he does! The water in that hole was donated by the free clinic down the street! (Ironhide sticks!) We have a sticky window spot! The Guardians pull ahead, 2-1!
Kenny: You forgot one last contestant, Vic. It's Leader-1, a Guardian from Manitoba!
Vic: What part?
Kenny: Who cares? (Optimus Prime bounces off the wall and lands in the muck.) Leader-1 is a big fat zero!
(At studio, Kenny has removed his weird hat-like thing and is surrounded by giggling geisha.)
Vic: Kenny...(Looks around) Kenny, where did all these women come from?
Kenny: I needed some chicks, Vic. These were at the Quicky-Mart.
Vic: I won't even ask. Our third challenge today is Boulder Dash!
(Boulder Dash: Run up a narrow walkway up a steep hill. The path is straight for the most part; except for near end where there is a slight turn to the right. At various points there are safety nooks for the contestants to hide from the 200 pound boulders which comes rolling down the walkway. Blue-jumpsuited guys try to push you out of these hiding places. The object of the event is that the contestant tries to make it to the platform on the top of the hill to win. You lose if you get crushed by the boulder. You cannot lose if you get touched by the boulder or toss the boulder away.)
Captain: (Blows whistle) Get it on!
Red Alert: (Not his voice) Cuff "em and stuff "em! AhGoochoochoochoochoochoo!
Vic: First up, from the Guardians, is Hans-Cuff, a professional restraint technician from Texas S & M. (Red Alert gets up and avoids the first boulder easily, making his way up the slope.)
Kenny: Hey! He was at the Quicky-Mart!
Vic: Probably so-Oh! He's gone ! Our MAACO Collision Repair & Auto Painting Instant Replay shows he didn't have a chance once that boulder went down on him!
Kenny: (Snidely) I thought he was used to boulders bearing on him.
Grimlock: (Not dubbed at all) ME GRIMLOCK LIKE THIS SHOW! (Transforms into Dinobot mode, with NO protests from the judges, and walks up the mat, tossing boulders left and right. And a few jumpsuits for good measure.)
Vic: This is Guardian Ed "Wrong Way" Babaganoosh! He's a PR consultant for Jeopardy contestants. He makes sure they really ARE that boring. (Grimlock gets to the top and does a victory dance.) He made it! Guardians now lead 3-1!
Narrator: Don't lose it, log drop is up next!
(Commercial Break: WATCH SPIKE TV! SAVE BIG MONEY AT MENARD'S! HOT WOMEN WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO HIT ON YOU IF YOU SHAVE WITH A GILETTE RAZOR!)
Narrator: The struggle stops here with log drop!
(The Log Drop: Seven logs of various heights, capable of rotation, stand between two platforms. The object is to skip from log to log until you reach the other platform to win. You lose if you fall into the water below the logs.
(At studio. The geisha are missing.)
Kenny: Vic! You took my chicks!
Vic: I had nothing to do with it. (Shows Skanky with all of the geisha surrounding him.) Skanky!
Kenny: (Pouting) He always gets the girls!
Vic: Our final challenge is the Log Drop! First contestant is Bugsie, a dog catcher from San Francisco, California.
Kenny: He sure loves the bitches! (Shrapnel falls forward on the third log, bending in half the wrong way and landing in the mud) So much for doggie style!
Vic: Right you are Kenny. Here we have Dozer, who has chosen to cross the logs in his transformed state. (Scrapper crosses successfully, until the last log, where he tips too quickly and bounces down, smashing the front of his payloader.) There he goes!
Kenny: Dozer was asleep at the wheel.
Soundwave: (At platform.) For Cybertron! (Dubbed in to say: My fly is open!)
Vic: Next up is Tank.
Kenny: Tank?
Vic: No idea. It doesn't matter, there he goes! (Soundwave slips and plunges through two logs, landing face first into the mud.) And the Guardians win against the Renegades, 3-1!
Kenny: Is it time YET?
Vic: Sure! It's time for Kenny's Blankenship's most PAINFUL ELIMINATIONS OF THE DAY!
Jeff: (Appearing on camera) Not quite.
Kenny: How did you get in here?
Jeff: I bribed Skanky. How did they do?
Vic: Man, robots are as dumb as humans!
Kenny: You said it Vic, and nowhere near as hot!
Jeff: (Nodding his head enthusiastically.) Think I can address them?
Vic and Kenny: Sure! (They take Jeff out of Takeshi's Castle in a tank to see the contestants waiting outside in a group. Skanky and the guys in blue jumpsuit follow.)
Jeff: Hello. (Looking at the Transformers. They are dirty, bedraggled, nasty-looking.) So...how did it go today?
(Shots of scowling, injured, MISERABLE robots.)
Jeff: (Smirking) I see. Now do you think I'm unfair? (They murmur "no.') Mean? (They shake their heads). Sadistic?
Optimus: You had us at "Hello.'
Megatron: (Nursing a detached arm.) We will obey your mandates, Probst. (Mutters) For now.
Jeff: Great! Now, because you have learned your lesson and promised to behave, I will give you a reward. We have Ratchet and Hook on-site to fix you up. (They groan in relief.) No one gets voted off today, but tomorrow is another story. (Turns to the tank.) Kenny? Vic?
Kenny: Glad this is over with. I hope you guys learned to never mess with a game-show host. What do we always say?
ALL: (Excepting robots; Grimlock participates) DON'T GET ELIMINATED!
Next Week: Back to normal...Or is it?